Mention non-monogamy and you’re likely to provoke an emotional response from many people. Some get angry because their minds automatically jump to the thoughts of lying, cheating and unsafe sex. How can you even consider such an immoral practice?
In a recent NYTimes article, Dan Savage weighed in on the topic. He said that not everyone is monogamous by nature, life-long and strict monogamy isn’t realistic for many people, and different types of relationships work for different types of people.
Based on the reader comments under the article, you would have thought Mr. Savage was advocating acts of terrorism.
What these furious readers missed or refused to acknowledge is Mr. Savage’s main message: Everyone is different and it’s not realistic to expect everyone to fit into one relationship model. A healthy relationship isn’t about following tradition and what society or your religious leader expects of you. It’s about being honest with yourself and your partner about your needs and desires.
Based on my years of matchmaking and readings with 1000s of people, I feel strongly that, like it or not, a large majority of people are better off in (responsible and honest) non-monogamous relationships. Look at the cheating and divorce stats if you don’t believe me. Sure, most people can be strictly monogamous for a short time, but for many, eventually it will result in unhappiness at best, and dishonesty and cheating at worst.
It’s fine to be against responsible and honest non-monogamy, but realize that just because a couple chooses such an agreement it doesn’t make them selfish, wrong, or immoral; those who judge and attack are displaying such behavior.
It takes courage and self-awareness to admit to yourself and people you date that you don’t share the fantasy of “one love,” or at least only one bed partner, for the rest of your life. If even the idea of responsible non-monogamy angers you, you may want to consider this, especially if a partner has ever cheated on you: If non-monogamous types were accepted instead of harshly judged, and honesty was encouraged, they’d be much more likely to accept and be upfront about what they really want instead of trying to conform to what you want, which would prevent a lot of suffering.
Copyright © 2011 Stephen Petullo
Read the NYTimes article here: https://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazine/infidelity-will-keep-us-together.html?_r=3&pagewanted=all
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