One of the things I learned as a matchmaker is that everyone has their own set of beliefs about sex and love. Some are true, others are false. Your beliefs are formed by your environment, personality, how you feel about yourself, and subconscious memories of the distant past. Sometimes closely held convictions can work against you and your love life goals.
Below are some common beliefs about sex that can hurt your love life.
“You can’t meet a good partner at a bar (or through a hookup app or sex club or anywhere else ‘improper’ outside of church).”
You might be single forever if you expect to meet a compatible partner under only ideal circumstances.
“If she sleeps with me on the first date, she is not long-term relationship material.”
“Good men don’t have one night stands.”
Anyone who believes this might want to examine their feelings about sex. It’s not the 1950s anymore. Sex is not dirty or bad if you are safe and honest about it. Yes, sometimes waiting to have sex can be a good idea, but not everyone has a difficult time separating love and sex or sees sex like a bargaining chip.
“You shouldn’t do threesomes if you want to find love.”
I found this gem in someone’s personal ad profile. I was curious about his statement so I asked him about it. He wrote back the following: “If you’re looking for your true Love, you’re probably not going to find him or her sleeping with multiple partners at the same time, and why would you want to look for soulmate in someone who’s sleeping with multiple partners. For me, it is not an attractive quality in finding my ideal partner or the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I stress the rest of my life with not 3 other people.”
He’s entitled to his own opinion, but he seems to harbor a misunderstanding about “true love” and sex. To him they are separate. His true love would never have a threesome. So he thinks. What a shame it would be if he disqualified a great match simply because of that.
“The Bible says that sexual activity should take place only between a man and a woman who are married to each other. (Proverbs 5:18:May your own fountain be blessed, And may you rejoice with the wife of your youth.) Therefore, a person who wants to please God should not engage in sexual activity until he or she gets married. (Thessalonians 4:3-5: For this is the will of God, that you should be holy and abstain from sexual immorality. Each one of you should know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not with greedy, uncontrolled sexual passion like the nations have that do not know God.)“
I have great respect for the Bible and religions that teach love rather than fear, but I think most reasonable people realize that the Bible is not a collection of direct quotes from God. Rather, they are interpretations of the messages people during that time period percieved as being from God and God’s messengers.
That said, waiting for marriage to have sex can work for some people. It’s a personal choice and nobody’s business but your own. However, in my opinion waiting until marriage to have sex isn’t always a good idea.
It’s good to occasionally question your love and sex beliefs. How are yours affecting your love life?
Copyright © 2014 Stephen Petullo
photo credit: icopythat via photopin cc
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